Jerry Salyer
For INN Thu Mar 22,
MONTGOMERY, Alabama

In a daring move Morris Dees, long-time director of the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), announced yesterday that he intends to bring a lawsuit against himself and his organization so as to “compel removal of the blatantly racist term, ‘Southern’” from the organization’s title.

The stage is now set for a show-down.

“It’ll be a tough, uphill offensive,” conceded Dees. “As always, we are operating as underdogs in a society where all the cultural chips are stacked against us — all we really have in our corner are Hollywood, the government, and the media industry.”

Yet SPLC representatives explain that they are used to fighting an uphill battle on such Goliath v. David terrain, and are optimistic about their quest to force themselves to rename their organization “RLNTMLC” — the Regrettably-Less-Northern-Than-Manhattan Law Center.

“We will perservere. We shall overcome,” said Dees. “In the interests of building a tolerant society, it’s our sworn duty to target and harass any group, even our own, which might try to give positive connotations to the term ‘Southern’. Indeed, we yearn for that bright day when intolerant people will be afraid to show their faces in public.”

He added that the effort directed into the name-changing campaign will not interfere with work on the SPLC’s groundbreaking new documentary “The White Hoods of Bhutan”, which alleges the existence of ties between the Tibetan independence movement and the Ku Klux Klan.

On the other side of the fence, Morris Dees – the besieged SPLC’s long-time director — declared that he and his co-defendants are resolutely circling wagons, and will not go down without a fight.

“I am utterly undaunted by the lawsuit being brought against me by myself,” Dees announced at a press conference, adding: “I think it’s painfully obvious that a white-supremacist conspiracy is what’s really behind this whole nuisance-litigation.

No doubt the conspirators want to deflect our investigation into the right-wing racist agenda of the so-called ‘Dixie Chicks’.”

Dees vowed defiantly: “But we won’t be intimidated.”

He justified use of the word “Southern” in the SPLC title by pointing out that his organization makes a thorough mockery of the hated hatemongering word at every opportunity.

“All that crap about Southern honor, dignity, and chivalry?” said Dees. “Trust me, that’s the last thing people think of when they watch us at work.

We do our best to drag the word Southern through the mud, via its association with us.”

The SPLC’s anti-SPLC attack could not have come at a worse time, as Dees explains that his organization is desperately short on needed monies — and so he has initiated a massive fund-raising operation to support the costs of hiring him to be his lawyer in his crusade against himself.

Yet the costs come from both sides of the fence – the cost to Dees of hiring himself to defend himself against himself is also expected to be substantial, so Dees has created what he calls the “Civilly-Righteous Morris Dees-fense Fund.”

Plus there are still normal SPLC operating expenses, as one anonymous SPLC accounting-troll explains: “Well, there’s the cut for the Payroll Department—we have to provide some basic subsistence living level of comfort for the Princeton-alum, cosmopolitan idealists on our staff– and I can tell you that Gucci bags, sushi combo platters, and snowboards don’t grow on trees.

Then there’s our Tolerance Department, which just purchased 10,000 copies of Billy Learns That Two Mommies Are Better Than One for distribution to first-graders.

And our Illegal-Immigration Enablement Department needs at least $6 million for our lobbying-campaign to have the Arizona state seal changed into a welcoming happy-face bearing the motto, “¡Invádanos! ¡Lo amamos!”

When asked by reporters whether his organization might have gotten a little too wealthy for its own good, Dees retorted: “Look, colonial occupation takes money.

So does defending our hallowed non-Western identity.

The Southern Poverty Law Center protects America from a bleak potential future in which progressive elites cannot ruin their opponents’ lives by simply labelling them racist, sexist, or homophobic. I know I sound like Chicken Little here, but such a dystopia really could come about, if we’re not vigilant.”

In defending society from this dire fate, it would seem that Dees and the target of his latest lawsuit can find some common ground via the Liberal Man’s Burden.

“Yes, there is a real danger– in recent years we’ve seen increased efforts by parents trying to usurp the traditional authority of educrats,” Dees agreed with his adversary, adding grimly: “Really, the SPLC is the frontline defense against the possibility that someday the monuments of a community might reflect the values of the lowly peasants who actually live there.”

So even though the SPLC has its differences with itself, all concerned agree that they should never forget who the real enemy is here: Ordinary working-class people, especially the white ones.

Dees would not comment on rumors that he and his self might reach a compromise settlement out-of-court.

Copyright © 2007 Conservative Times

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